Mark LaFlamme: The Confusing Winter Overtime Rules

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It’s raining lizards!
So, there’s been a lot of talk on social media lately about lizards falling from trees, which is apparently a thing that happens in Florida when it’s cold. And by cold, I mean 40 degrees. I’m sorry, Sunshine State brothers, but having the occasional iguana on your Havana sun hat just doesn’t compare to the heartbreak (“Nadia’s Theme” clue) of shoveling your garden for the fifth time this day. there only to have the city’s sidewalk plow pass and destroy it. In fact, I think there are situations where having an iguana on your head can be fun. But that’s probably just a personal matter.

Yeah, it’s February
You know things have been heinous when you’re grateful on your knees for the arrival of !#@[email protected] February. But hey, with its freezing cold, wet snowstorms and crazy blizzards, January was a pretty lousy way to usher in a new year. I say banish it to the back of the calendar. Let January hang out with November and all that riff raff. That will teach him.

Louis was a real beast
Are we finally done with the notion of naming snowstorms? Good riddance to this wacky system, I say. A snowstorm should be called by its proper name. This name being #$#@!#!.

Pin the tail on the donkey
What’s wrong with NFL overtime rules? Instead of both teams getting the ball no matter what in OT, the game is over if the first team to get the balls scores a touchdown, and which team gets the ball first is decided by a coin toss. A draw ! I mean, you might as well just use the old system of eeny meeny miny moe and be done with it. Or maybe a rousing my-mother-and-your-mother-wore-in-clothes tour if you really want to crank up the drama.

Lewiston police are investigating gunshots everywhere
There were gunshots in so many different parts of the city last week that we’re going to be introducing a new system to simplify things by only listing neighborhoods that WERE NOT rocked by gunfire. This will save ink.

So who are you wearing?
You know, the more I think about it, the more I want one of those living iguana hats. I wonder if Drew Desjardins from Mr. Drew and His Animals Too can hook me up. It would go so well with my live tarantula long johns.

Maddening thoughts for the day
It’s 2022. We can communicate with people on the other side of the planet through computing devices that we keep in our pockets. We store our files in a cyber cloud, for God’s sake. But you can’t STILL clean cast iron with water and a scouring pad? Why not? Are you telling me that with everything going on in the world, me putting a Brillo stamp in a cast iron skillet is going to be the thing that will end the world?


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